Fitting in is Hard; Story of a Japanese Girl Who Never Had a Sense of Belonging in Japan②

University was a time for liberation. Being exposed to new ideas and people, for the first time in my life, I felt just like myself. My classmates were diverse in their backgrounds, cultures and ways of seeing the world. It was completely normal to be different. There were no such things like fitting in, because you just didn’t need to. I started to explore who I was, discovering my interest, what I cared and what I wanted to do in life. I was so naïve but passionate to think that I could make this society better even a tiny bit corner of it.

“You can do anything. There is nothing limiting me”. That’s what I thought back then being so empowered but at the same time, so protected and shield from the reality awaiting me.

I got a job in finance, because I assumed that it would be a good start of my career since I would be gaining knowledge that can be applied to many other jobs, plus it assured me decent salary to stand on my own feet. Working for a regular Japanese company was harder than I expected, not in an ability wise, but in a culture wise. People get jobs and deeds through connection with others, which is totally natural, but the problem is that those connections are oftentimes formed in predominantly male settings like drinking or golfing. Whether if you are male or female, you are out of the league if you miss those almost mandatory events, which stresses me who hate to be controlled of my time and how I use it. Attendance is a must, but making an impression in those events are very much necessary. Making an impression means showing an attitude that you respect bosses or seniors of their liking in conversational topics or accompanying them with karaoke till midnight. I tried to do my best, but walking home at 1 am after drinking with my bosses, I just wondered “Am I enjoying this?”.

I stopped in the sidewalk seeing few cars passing by. Not a single person was walking that late at night. “I have worked hard through my life for…this?” Trying so hard to act like others, embracing a whole different personality from mine. None of this was making me or anyone happy. I was faking myself the whole time, but there’s no way I could perform well like someone who　were genuinely enjoying this culture.

Dim lights were reflecting on puddles. My rush was almost passed. That’s when I realized how brainwashed I was and that I had to live my own life, because this was the only one I had.